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Breakups can be soul-crushing, energy-snatching, and heartbreaking pain in the ass. You trust another person to love you, trust you, and stick with you only for you to break up. Everyone processes breakups differently. There are some who drown their sorrows in wine and ice cream. There are some who sleep with others until they forgot who broke their hearts. Like the saying, ‘the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else.’
There is no right or wrong way to deal with your grief. Only you know what’s good for you. After a breakup, I cry for a while, drink wine, cry some more. Play sad breakup songs. Then I pick myself up. I play women empowerment songs, and men ain’t shit songs. I stop drinking and start working out. And I start dating and meeting other people.
One benefit of breaking up is that there are millions of fish in the sea. You will find another. Yes, you loved your ex, but there was a reason you broke up. One of you or both of you were unhappy. You deserve to be happy even if it’s not with your ex. You should have a better grasp of the things you want and don’t want in your next relationship.
I’ve learned a little more about life and life after every relationship. I take them with me and use that to find my dream person and make the best version of myself.
Love Can Hurt, but It’s Not Supposed to Constantly Bring Pain, Suffering, And Headache.
There’s a big misconception about love. Many people say they don’t want a relationship or don’t want love because it hurts too much. Love isn’t supposed to hurt. It isn’t love that causes you pain. Heartbreak, loneliness, anxiety, uncertainty, broken trust, and disloyalty hurt. Love shouldn’t cause you pain, and if it is it isn’t love.
I’ve learned some hard truths about myself and about what I want in my next partner. Not to sound pretentious, I’ve learned that I could only move forward and not backward in lifestyle. For example, I can’t take anyone who doesn’t have a job, or their own place to live anymore. Those are absolute deal breakers for me. I’m not in college anymore. At some point, people need to grow up and start trying to do something for themselves. I work hard. I want someone whose work ethic matches my own.
Try to think about some of the things your ex did that you hate. Did they leave the toothpaste top open, did they play video games all day, did they have their mom do their laundry for them? You do not need that in your next relationship.
Now try to think of the good things. Think about things you want in a partner. Having a mental checklist of the things you want and don’t want could help you find your next match. BTW, just because you have a checklist doesn’t mean your next partner will have every quality. Only you know what you can handle and what you can deal with. Hopefully, this could help you move on to your next love.
Change Can Be a Good Thing
Change is uncomfortable. Change is inevitable. Change is Nothing can stay the same forever. You are meant to learn, grow, and develop as you get older. As shitty as change can be, maybe it’s the universe pushing you into something better. But you have to be willing to allow the universe to move you. This last relationship wasn’t a good fit for you, and that’s okay. Maybe the next one will be. If not, that’s okay too. Don’t stay stagnant, or nothing will change for you. Let the universe help, and you never know, your luck might change.
You Come First
Hot take: You come first. It sounds selfish, but your feelings should always come first. At some point, you have to start living for you and demanding what you want out of life. Closed mouths don’t fed. What do you want out of life? Go get it. Reach for it. Strive for it. You have to do what’s best for you, even if others object. No matter what anyone says, you deserve what you want in life. You have a life too. You deserve all the good that life has to offer. You have to believe it and go for it.
Two People Need to Make a Relationship Work
Most relationships involve two people. 2 independent thinking, self-sufficient individuals. If you are the only one putting in the effort to make the relationship work, what’s the point? You build together, hustle together, grow together. Not apart. And if you are growing apart, let it happen and go. After all the time spent, effort, love, blood, sweat, tears, it seems like a waste to just let it go. Now, did your partner given the same blood, sweat, tears? Don’t overthink it. You know they didn’t. You need to find someone who has the same fight as you. If not, you might as well be single and date yourself if you are putting in the work alone. Take yourself out on a date. Love yourself since your partner didn’t.
Don’t Feel Guilty
Only you know what you want. If the relationship didn’t work, it means that you or your ex didn’t get what you needed out of the relationship. Just because it didn’t work doesn’t mean you should feel guilty. You didn’t give them what they needed. It’s okay, you aren’t the person for them. You didn’t get what you needed? Don’t feel guilty. Not every relationship is meant to last. Also, never apologize for being you. Do you feel guilty because you were needy? Do you feel guilty because you were insecure? Do you feel guilty because you love too hard? Or did you feel guilty because you spoke your truth? Don’t. You don’t need to apologize. You’re human, and you have feelings. You shouldn’t have to apologize for that. There is someone that will cherish and love all the things your ex didn’t no matter how crazy, insecure, needy, or messy someone else says you are.
Listen to Your Gut
Always listen to your gut, it will never steer your wrong. Your body often knows when something is wrong long before your mind has time to process it. If something feels wrong, trust your judgment. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are paranoid or crazy. Unfortunately, the red flags and all the bad shit you ignore in the beginning will be there when it ends.
This one is hard. You gotta forgive. Not for him. Not for her. But for you. If you don’t forgive, you’ll never be able to move forward. The next person will pay for your ex. And what the point of holding on to negative energy. It sucks, and it hurts like fuck, but you have to forgive. Just because you should forgive doesn’t mean you should forget. Every relationship, no matter how long, is a lesson. You should take the lessons you learned and move on. If you forget what you’ve learned, you’ll keep making the same mistakes over and over.
Don’t let your ex make you feel like you don’t deserve love. You do. I swear. I swear. I swear there is someone who will love you for everything you are. Don’t give up hope.